Why do I shut down? It is the child in me!
After one has had enough experience with drama, blames, unnecessary problems, and arguments in his life, for many years, he would only want peace and to avoid getting into debates.
After many years of personal experience, I realize life is too short to deal with unnecessary problems or be sad and angry about things that could have been avoided. It is frustrating to spend too much time and effort arguing trying to prove "I am good." If someone does not recognize you are good on his or her own, don't waste your breath.
Life in my eyes should be much more straightforward. I always try to mean good. I never try to hurt someone or take what is not mine. I have always been kind to strangers. I help and helped anyone in need without expecting anything back or asking for something back while no one helped me in times of need. I was a very very good smart boy, but I was always ridiculed, punished and made feel stupid and guilty for no good enough reasons or for reasons that I do not really understand. I had my feelings and needs to be discounted all the time. I did not argue, and I followed all the rules, God's rules, social rules, and even father's rules, and it led me to nowhere when it came to my feelings or needs. I do not want this to happen to me again, and I do not have the energy to argue anymore especially to prove I meant good.
I think one of the main reasons for divorce, besides being lied to, is the constant oppositional arguments and the fact of only trying to win the arguments. I think communication and understanding each other is more important than who is right and who is wrong. One time, one of my Exes argued and argued and argued with me about something I was not comfortable with, and I didn't feel good about until I was tired and stopped to explain my feelings. (So my x won). I asked her "do you think you won the argument?" she said "yes." I said, "You may think you won but you have lost big time." This was because she never tried to understand my feeling or to make me comfortable. She only wanted to defeat me, force me into what I don't like. So, we both lost!
I think using the silence treatment and putting the partners on guard, as well as discounting their intentions is a form of emotional abuse. I think keeping a partner feeling guilty and guessing without clear communication is an unhealthy form of emotional abuse and control. We have learned these harmful but beneficial ways to control our partners from our parents and the society. I always try to unlearn this, but it takes hard effort to unlearn it.
I think a good relationship is built on communication and understanding and has no winners or losers, no right, and wrong. I think it is always better to try to make the other loved one feel better. I think if the two sides do this all the time, life will be beautiful. That is what I am trying to do, and now I have too. Of course, this should be mutual from both sides. One side should never use this method to take advantage of or control the other.
After many years of personal experience, I realize life is too short to deal with unnecessary problems or be sad and angry about things that could have been avoided. It is frustrating to spend too much time and effort arguing trying to prove "I am good." If someone does not recognize you are good on his or her own, don't waste your breath.
Life in my eyes should be much more straightforward. I always try to mean good. I never try to hurt someone or take what is not mine. I have always been kind to strangers. I help and helped anyone in need without expecting anything back or asking for something back while no one helped me in times of need. I was a very very good smart boy, but I was always ridiculed, punished and made feel stupid and guilty for no good enough reasons or for reasons that I do not really understand. I had my feelings and needs to be discounted all the time. I did not argue, and I followed all the rules, God's rules, social rules, and even father's rules, and it led me to nowhere when it came to my feelings or needs. I do not want this to happen to me again, and I do not have the energy to argue anymore especially to prove I meant good.
I think one of the main reasons for divorce, besides being lied to, is the constant oppositional arguments and the fact of only trying to win the arguments. I think communication and understanding each other is more important than who is right and who is wrong. One time, one of my Exes argued and argued and argued with me about something I was not comfortable with, and I didn't feel good about until I was tired and stopped to explain my feelings. (So my x won). I asked her "do you think you won the argument?" she said "yes." I said, "You may think you won but you have lost big time." This was because she never tried to understand my feeling or to make me comfortable. She only wanted to defeat me, force me into what I don't like. So, we both lost!
I think using the silence treatment and putting the partners on guard, as well as discounting their intentions is a form of emotional abuse. I think keeping a partner feeling guilty and guessing without clear communication is an unhealthy form of emotional abuse and control. We have learned these harmful but beneficial ways to control our partners from our parents and the society. I always try to unlearn this, but it takes hard effort to unlearn it.
I think a good relationship is built on communication and understanding and has no winners or losers, no right, and wrong. I think it is always better to try to make the other loved one feel better. I think if the two sides do this all the time, life will be beautiful. That is what I am trying to do, and now I have too. Of course, this should be mutual from both sides. One side should never use this method to take advantage of or control the other.
No comments:
Post a Comment